BACKWORD
Thanks for suffering through this ride. If you were brought to tears, either through sadness, joy, or laughter, my work here is done. If you trudged through this masterpiece and experienced no emotion, you are an unfortunate waste of flesh and bone who perhaps would benefit from a good dose of marijuana and/or some electro-shock therapy. Good luck in your future endeavors. I will miss you, unless you show up with firearms after relentlessly stalking me, at which time I will talk you down and cuddle with you until you cry.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
My idols, inspirations, and influences (some of them fictional characters) are listed below not in order of importance. (Blank space is available for those of you whom I may have inadvertently –or advertently– forgotten or those who would like to add their name just to feel special.) So that they will feel appropriately doubly honored, I have indicated in bold the most important contributors to the existence of this blog.
Willie Nelson, William Shakespeare, Will Ferrell, Walt Wilkins (a Texas singer-songwriter who perhaps not coincidentally resembles Jesus–if Jesus were a hot caucasian with a guitar), Virginia Woolf, Truman Capote, Tom Petty, Theodor Seuss Geisel, Steve Martin (the second half of my original blog’s name, ExquisiteDrivel, was inspired by the title of my hero Mr. Martin’s Pure Drivel (Hyperion, 1998)), Steve Carell, Simon Cowell, Shawn Colvin, Sarah McLachlan, Robert Frost, Rob Thomas, Patty Griffin, Oprah Winfrey, Nick Hornby (author of, inter alia, High Fidelity (Indigo, 1995) one of the best modern novels ever written–favorite quotes: “I keep the soul I have, right by the exit, just next to the blues.”, “I’ve been thinking with my guts since I was 14 years old, and…I have come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.” I fell in love with Hornby when I heard John Cusack (in the movie) say, “Hey, I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I’m certainly not the dumbest. I mean, I’ve read books like The Unbearable Lightness of Being and Love in the Time of Cholera, and I think I’ve understood them. They’re about girls, right?” Those were the first two books I had read for pleasure after law school. I felt not only at least as smart as Cusack’s character, but also immediately at one with Mr. Hornby. And it gets better. In his book, How to be Good, (Riverhead 2001) (where, incidentally, I discovered how entertaining it can be to read a simple list of names) Hornby refers to both books’ authors one right after the other in a long series that the main character rattles off. She says, “Here is a list of the people that [her husband and his friend] have hitherto regarded as talentless, overrated, or simply wankers:…Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Milan Kundera…” Imagine the nigh-orgasmic glee I experienced. And no, I’m not kidding. But I digress.), Nanci Griffith, Milan Kundera, Michael Stipe, Marion Winik, Mark Twain, Lucille Ball, Lyle Lovett, Kris Kristofferson, Jonathan Swift, Jon Stewart, John Prine, John Hughes, John Hodgman, John Cusack, John Cleese, Jim Halpert (fictional character whom I wish was a real person who would now be one of my ex-boyfriends–played by John Krasinski on The Office, one of the best shows ever), Jerry Seinfeld, Jesus H. Christ (No sacreligiosity intended. He should be listed in a category by himself, really, but I know he liked to hang with the whores and lepers and such. Hence, his interest in me.), Jenna Jameson (It is only by an odd twist of happenstance (or is it?) that her name appears next to that of the lord and savior.), Henri Matisse, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Glennon Doyle, Gabriel Garcia-Marquez, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Flannery O’Connor, Evelyn Waugh (The first half of my original blog’s name, ExquisiteDrivel, was inspired by the title of his book Exquisite Corpse. Yes, Evelyn Waugh was a man. And George Eliot was a woman. So was Gertrude Stein, though many beg to differ.), Eva Cassidy, Eudora Welty, Ernest Hemingway, Erma Bombeck, Emily Dickinson, Ellen DeGeneres, Elizabeth Gilbert, Eddie Vedder, E.B. White (not because he was the author of Charlotte’s Web–even though my grandparents’ names were Fern and Wilbur–but because he was the co-author of the classic The Elements of Style (also known simply as Strunk and White’s) (Macmillan, 1959)), Don Rickles, David Sedaris, David Gray, David Foster Wallace, Dave Matthews, Dave Eggers, Dante Alighieri, Clark Griswold, Carrie Bradshaw, Ben Stiller, Barbara Kingsolver, Antsy McClain (a poet in polyester with a kickass pompadour), Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Anne Lamott, Anna Quindlen, Anais Nin (when I figure out how to put the umlaut in her name, I will edit this), Adam Sandler, Adam Duritz (of Counting Crows), and A.A. Milne.
Also: Virgil, Sade (look for her in the story, Smooth Operator), Sting, Plato, Pandora, Nostradamus, Morrissey, Madonna, Homer, Enya, Cher, Bono, Aristotle, Aristophanes. Upton Sinclair, Sinclair Lewis, Lewis Carroll, Carroll O’Connor. Ben Harper, Harper Lee, Lee Marvin, Marvin Hamlisch (not really an inspiration, I just needed a Marvin). Bob Dylan, Dylan Thomas, Thomas Mann, and Manfred Mann’s Earth Band.
Intentionally excluded from this list: Donald Trump, O.J. Simpson, and anyone named Kardashian.
Feel free to add your name (or any others you think I may have forgotten) here: ______________________________________________
COMMENT CARD
1: Never 2: Almost Always 3: Seldom 4: Highly Likely 5: Try Again
Please print this page and provide responses based on the list above. Return the information to me at your earliest convenience. Keep in mind that gratuities are always graciously accepted, but they are not tax-deductible.
—————————(detach here)————————-
This blog is incredibly entertaining compared to watching beige paint dry: ____
When I read this blog, it makes me forget all my troubles, worries, cares, inadequacies, and STDs: ____
This blog has cured my polio and/or malaise: ______
I will recommend this blog to friends, enemies, strangers, and/or relatives: ______
You are a pathetic self-indulgent egomaniac and I pray that Allah has mercy on your ridiculous excuse for a soul: ______
How might I improve this blog? ____
(a) more full-frontal nudity
(b) more true stories and less bullshit
(c) cash rebate
(d) money-back guarantee
(e) none of the above
(f) (a) and (c)
(g) all of the above except (f)