WARNING: This material is inappropriate for infants, toddlers, children (particularly mine), stepchildren (most of them mine), adolescents, pre-teens, tweens, teens, the elderly, the illiterate, the semi-literate, the easily-offended, the holier-than-thou, the faint-of-heart, the consumptive, the humorless, teetotalers, the Amish, most Jehovah’s Witnesses, some Mormons, those with an IQ below 100, those who are nursing, pregnant, or may fear becoming pregnant, my ex-in-laws, and my current in-laws.
This is not a self-help blog. It’s a cry-for-help blog. If you have come here for help, you are even more pathetic than you are capable of understanding. After you gently wipe the donut residue off your keyboard, close this website carefully or send this link to a more worthy, less hopeless reader.
PRE-EMPTIVE NON-APOLOGY
If anything you read in the filler portion (or any other section) of this oeuvre repulses or mortifies you, or makes you wonder why I am not in a long-term treatment facility, I apologize if any feelings are hurt or if any sensibilities are shaken. In the event that you regret having read any part of this blog and feel compelled to poke your eyes out to undo the damage, please proceed forthwith to the nearest house of worship and pray for me.
INSTRUCTIONS
Be sure to read this blog at a comfortable distance and angle (and with appropriate lighting) so as not to strain your eyes, neck, or upper extremities. When reading it in public (if you are courageous enough to do so), such as at airports, in traffic, while waiting to visit your boyfriend in prison, in line at your favorite liquor store on your lunch hour, or at otherwise boring PTA meetings, kids’ sporting events, baby showers, or church, please hold it upright at a level at which it will garner maximum exposure to curious passers-by. Make sure you are not shielding the screen with your unmanicured hands or concealing it inside one of your ridiculous fitness or pet care magazines. Don’t be afraid to laugh or cry out loud and direct witnesses to the site with a glowing recommendation. Don’t feel obligated to read this blog in any particular order, as there is no plot, and very little characterization. I would advise, however, that you go ahead and get all the preliminaries out of the way before getting sucked into the actual filler portion. You are welcome (and in fact, encouraged) to read this blog in any order you please. Feel free to read it in your bathroom and choose one essay that you think might entertain you as long as your next bowel movement. Honestly, as long as you read it, encourage others to do the same, and don’t try to have sex with it, I don’t give a flying rat’s ass what you do. Hell, go ahead and have sex with it if you want, but only after signing the liability waiver below.
LIABILITY WAIVER
As an attorney, I am compelled to notify you that I will not be held responsible for any accidents (including any consequences of unexpected narcolepsy or sudden loss of bladder or bowel control), injuries (including carpal tunnel syndrome or impaired vision), or illnesses (including nausea, hemorrhoids, leprosy, rickets, or scurvy) caused by the viewing, reading, attempted reading, navigating, sharing, or bookmarking of this blog. You are assuming all the risk inherent in this attractive nuisance. Caveat emptor. (That’s Latin for “Google it.”) Please print, sign, and return the Waiver of Liability below before proceeding any further.
WAIVER OF LIABILITY
[If you do not read English, please have someone translate this for you.]
I, ________________, (“Reader”), hereby acknowledge, swear, affirm, vow and/or pledge that I have voluntarily clicked on the links to arrive at this blog and intend to participate in the voluntary activity of reading and otherwise participating in it. I am aware that doing so may be hazardous to my mental and physical health and overall well-being. I understand that I could be seriously injured, maimed, or offended. I choose to participate in this activity with full knowledge of the dangers involved, and hereby agree to assume any and all risk (known, unknown, or otherwise) of bodily injury, death, or property damage, whichever comes first. I henceforth, hereby forever release the Author, her heirs and assignees, her agents, editors, publishers, and make-up artists, and their respective agents, contractors, and representatives (collectively “Releasees”) from any and all actions, claims, or demands that I, my assignees, heirs, distributees, guardians, next of kin, spouse and/or legal representatives now have, or may have in the future, for injury, death, or property damage, related to (a) my participation in these activities, (b) the negligence, intentional recklessness, obscenity, or other lewd acts, whether directly connected to these activities or not, and however caused, by any Releasee, or (c) the condition of the particular copy of the blog’s contents, electronic or otherwise, and whether or not I am then participating in the physical or mental activity of actually reading it. I also agree that I, my assignees, heirs, distributees, guardians, next of kin, spouse and/or legal representatives will not make a claim against, sue, or attach the property of any Releasee in connection with any of the matters covered by the foregoing release. I HAVE CAREFULLY READ THIS AGREEMENT AND FULLY UNDERSTAND ITS CONTENTS. I AM AWARE THAT THIS IS A RELEASE OF LIABILITY AND A CONTRACT BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE AUTHOR AND HER GAGGLE OF ATTENDANTS, AGENTS, EDITORS, PUBLISHERS, HANGERS-ON, POSSE, MENTAL HEALTH CARE PROVIDERS, AND CATERERS AND I SIGN IT OF MY OWN FREE WILL. If signed by Parent or Guardian: I verify that the dangers of the activities and the significance of this Release and Waiver were explained to the Participant and that the Participant understood them.
________________________________________________
SIGNATURE, PARTICIPANT/RELEASOR (“READER”) or READER’S PARENT OR GUARDIAN
State of ____________
County of __________
Subscribed and sworn to before me on this _____ day of _________, 20__.
By: _________________________
Notary Public
(Seal)
*In the event that this blog was or will be read outside the United States or its territories, any foreign colorful stamp or currency will serve as a reasonable facsimile for the notary seal.
[Again, if you do not read English, please have someone translate this for you.]