DEDICATION
To:
My devoted husband and my relatively stable children and stepchildren
without whom I would not have amassed such stellar material,
My parents, who bestowed upon me their sick senses of humor via nature and nurture and
groomed me into the mordant, narcissistic, obnoxious boor that I am today, and
My sister and brother who can always bring me to tears of laughter and who regularly challenge me
to top them by bringing others to howling guttural sobs and involuntary urination.
SPECIAL THANKS
To:
My friend Tricia who planted the blog seed and opened the floodgates of my pitifully beautiful mind,
Joe, my irreplaceable friend and muse, for his steadfast and often heartless yet cruel encouragement,
Chris, my longtime partner in lexi/logophilia, for his devotion to the care and feeding of our respective superiority complexes,
Steve, my friend and neighbor, for his longsuffering technical support, and
Everyone who has ever written a boring and braggadocious holiday newsletter–for you were the impetus.
You lit the fire under my ass.
PREFACE
This is the part that goes in front of the Foreword. I think I’m supposed to offer some introductory gibberish here to entice the reader to continue reading. I should emphasize that the filler of this blog has been described (by me) as a funhouse roller coaster of often simultaneously excruciating pathos and exhilarating mirth which will leave you either writhing in ecstasy or choking on your own vomit, or both. Because I subscribe to the theory that one should never ruin a good story with the truth, these stories are only mostly true with a few well-placed embellishments and tasteful exaggerations to keep you awake. Bear in mind that most of the names have not been changed to protect the guilty or to spare the foolish of further embarrassment because those named consider it an honor just to be mentioned. They have forgotten that “honorable mention” was that tacky green “participant” ribbon they gave to all the losers in elementary school. Now all the kids get blue ribbons because everyone’s a winner and all that delusional bullshit.
FOREWORD
This is supposed to be written by someone who has had the pleasure of reading this blog in advance and has enjoyed it enough to accept payment (probably in the form of a re-gifted Olive Garden gift card) to highlight the brilliant wit and downplay the lame parts (of which there are many). Future edits may include an authentic Foreword, perhaps written by one of the non-fictitious and still living idols named in the acknowledgments list (found after the Backword), but until then, mine will have to suffice:
This blog is much more than an unparalleled model of literary wizardry. It is a masterfully ugly conglomeration of thoughts (both perverted and passionate), experiences (only tangentially sexual, if at all), fears (of freak accidents and untimely deaths mostly), insults (often good-natured, but rarely taken as such), self-aggrandizement (a side-effect of deep-seated insecurity), and introspective exposition (redundantly therapeutic and cathartic emotional bloodletting, if you will).